If you’ve been battling with self-esteem issues, you might be surprised to learn that the popular “love yourself” approach could actually be keeping you trapped in the very mindset you’re trying to escape.

Why Traditional Self-Esteem Approaches Often Fall Short

Social media is filled with such well-meaning advice, encouraging people to love themselves. While these sentiments sound positive, our clinical experience shows they can inadvertently reinforce the judgment-based mindset that fuels low self-esteem in the first place.

When we focus intensely on self-esteem, we’re still playing the same game – evaluating ourselves on a continuum that ranges from self-hatred to self-love. This approach keeps us in a constant state of self-assessment, where we’re always influenced by how much or how little we’re “loving ourselves”.

Many clients come to us exhausted from trying to convince themselves of something they don’t believe. They want to be better at playing the game of judgment, but the solution might be to play a different game entirely. The problem isn’t that they need more self-love techniques – it’s that they’re stuck in a framework where their value as a person is constantly up for debate.

Moving Beyond Self-Esteem: An Evidence-Based Alternative

Rather than working harder at “loving yourself,” evidence-based psychological approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggest a fundamentally different path: stepping outside the self-judgment game altogether.

This therapy aims to guide clients with low self-esteem toward a more balanced and healthier mindset, by focusing on what truly matters to you.

The Values-Based Approach to Confidence

When people come to our clinics struggling with low self-esteem, we often introduce them to a perspective-shifting question:

Imagine it’s the distant future, at your funeral, and someone who knew you well is giving your eulogy. Would you rather hear them say:

“X really loved themselves”

Or:

“X lived a rich, full and meaningful life. When you spoke with them, you really felt they were present. They truly connected with their world.”

Almost universally, our clients choose the second option. This reveals something profound: deep down, most of us value how we connect with life more than how we feel about ourselves.

How This Approach Transforms Self-Esteem Issues

When clients shift from “How can I feel better about myself?” to “How can I live more meaningfully?”, remarkable changes often follow:

• From self-focus to engagement: Rather than constantly monitoring your self-worth, you direct your energy toward activities that align with your core values.
• From judgment to action: Instead of evaluating whether you’re “good enough,” you focus on taking steps that reflect who you want to be.
• From feeling-driven to values-driven: Your worth becomes anchored in how you live, not how you feel about yourself in any given moment.

Practical Strategies for Building Genuine Confidence

Our psychologists have developed evidence-based strategies to help clients move beyond the self-esteem trap and build authentic confidence:

1. Clarify Your Values

Understanding what genuinely matters to you provides a compass for meaningful living. Rather than asking “Do I love myself enough?”, try asking:

• What kind of friend/partner/parent do I want to be?
• What’s something I can do right now that connects me to the world/people around me meaningfully?
• How do I want to contribute to my community?
• What qualities do I want to bring to difficult situations in my life?

2. Take Values-Based Action

Small steps aligned with your values build momentum toward genuine confidence:

• If connection matters, make that phone call you’ve been putting off
• If creativity matters, spend 15 minutes on a creative project
• If health matters, take a short walk focusing on how your body moves

3. Practice Mindful Self-Acceptance

Rather than trying to love yourself more, practice accepting thoughts and feelings without judgment:

• Notice self-critical thoughts without fighting them
• Acknowledge difficult emotions without trying to change them
• Recognise that you can take meaningful action even when feeling unsure or unworthy

The Science Behind This Approach

The approach we use at Clarity Psychology is grounded in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a scientifically validated psychological framework with strong empirical support for addressing issues like low self-esteem and confidence.

According to the Australian Psychological Society, evidence-based approaches like ACT are considered best practice for addressing the underlying processes that maintain low self-esteem and confidence issues.

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This article was written by the clinical team at Clarity Psychology and reviewed by Dr Simon Vincenzi, Senior Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years of experience in ACT and evidence-based therapies for self-esteem and confidence issues.