Category: Mental Health

Written by Joanne Toh

Registered Psychologist and Clinical Registrar

You have likely heard the phrase “self-care” being thrown around a lot in recent years. Even so, many people seem to be unfamiliar with it or, even more commonly, they have an unhealthy relationship with it. So, what is self-care? One way to think of it is as the act of scheduling-in activities that nurture or nourish your wellbeing in your daily life.

Here is a brief list of self-care activities my clients have found helpful:

• Physical (e.g., going for a walk/a swim, playing table tennis/soccer)
• Emotional (e.g., listen to a podcast, reflect on things you are grateful for, journaling, seek counselling)
• Spiritual (e.g., pray, meditate, join a spiritual/religious retreat)
• Friendships (e.g., spending time with a friend, ringing a loved one)
• Dietary (e.g., making a healthy meal, mindfully enjoying a piece of chocolate)
• Nature (e.g., hiking, having a picnic in a national park, surfing, sit in the sunlight)
• Professional (e.g., attending a professional development course, scheduling in regular breaks during your workday, planning holidays)
• Beauty (e.g., use a face moisturising mask, colour your nails, visit a gym)

Self-care is meant to be something that recharges us, something that helps us take time out from our busy daily schedules and ground ourselves. Be warned, though; self-care can quickly turn toxic if we start twisting how it’s represented in our minds. Please try to avoid seeing “self-care” as another thing on our to do list to accomplish/tick off. If you find yourself saying “I should be going for a run,” or “I should make more of an effort with my friends,” you’re going to be less likely to engage in self-care, because it seems like a chore. It’s also just inaccurate. This is a version of yourself that you want to be, not that you should be. So be accurate: Tell yourself “I want to go for a run,” “I want to make more of an effort with my friends”. Then think about how you typically act when you don’t get to do something you want to do. Do you criticise yourself or feel self-compassion? Because, at least in the case of self-care, being self-compassionate seems to be the much more effective (and more accurate) method in the long-term. Being kind to yourself when you don’t engage in self-care is also part of self-care.

We can practise the above self-care activities either with others or by ourselves. We can choose self-care activities that vary in cost and time commitments. For example, sitting under a tree to enjoy the warmth of the sun for five minutes can be great for self-care (of course, please use sun-smart/sun-safe precautions). We can also schedule dinner catch-ups with friends at home, instead of visiting a restaurant. Some people find it helpful to block out time over the week to just be alone and do the things we enjoy doing by ourselves (e.g., visit an op shop, practice your karaoke dance moves).

Sometimes, we might feel that we cannot afford to take time off to engage in self-care activities, especially during busy and stressful seasons. However, this is often the time when self-care can really benefit us. Self-care can relieve stress and improve our mental health symptoms.

You may want to take a moment right now to identify what self-care activities you can realistically practise over the next week. Remember, what works for others might not be the best fit for you. We are all unique individuals, who are recharged by different things and activities.

Enjoy your self-care time!

Written by Joanne Toh

Registered Psychologist and Clinical Registrar

Approximately 1 in 4 young people report experiencing mental health concerns, according to Australian Institute of Health and Welfare reports. This means that, for TAFE and University students, mental health issues can significantly interfere with their ability to perform well in their tertiary education.

Attending TAFE or university is often an exciting but challenging time in your life. You may be living away from home for the first time. This comes with its own challenges (being away from family and friends, having to be responsible for your own finances and household chores). You may also miss the routine and structure provided by high schools. It is challenging having to plan and manage your own time to attend lectures, work on assignments and self-study to prepare for examinations. It can be difficult to know how to cope with the increase in stress; especially when having to deal concurrently with depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma, or a number of other mental health issues known to be prevalent among university students.

Please know that you are not alone and many of your peers are likely to experience similar challenges. It is important to seek help early. It’s best not to wait until the end of the semester to seek support, as it limits the scope of the support your education institution is able to provide.

You can always speak to a tutor or lecturer about your request for an extension. They may be able to accommodate your study requirements if appropriate and reasonable. You can also speak to Study Advisors on ways to reduce your study load if that is recommended by your health professionals. Additionally, you can explore what financial grants or loans are available through your education provider’s financial aid department, if your mental health symptoms are worsened by financial stress. Seeking-out a psychologist to learn coping strategies to help you cope with your stress, or to treat depression, anxiety, or OCD, can be helpful. It can also be a good idea to join some student clubs to meet new people, which may reduce your sense of homesickness and loneliness.

You are able to seek support from your education institution by:

• Being registered with the Disability Liaison Unit to obtain assignment extensions, alternate examination arrangements (Note: You will be asked to provide documents from a medical professional supporting your registration with this unit).
• Seeking short term psychological support from the Counselling department
• Joining in Mindfulness or other wellbeing group programs run by the Counselling department
• Obtaining practical tips from the Academic Skills Unit on ways to manage procrastination and time management

These are just a few tips on how to care for your mental health while being a student. Please check with your education provider for other resources and support they might offer.

References:

https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/children-youth/mental-illness

“How much longer can I fake my way through this? Everyone else here has it together and knows what they’re doing. It’s only a matter of time before they realise I actually don’t really belong here.”

At some point in their career, approximately 70% of people will experience thoughts like this. Yet, only 25% of people have heard of Impostor Syndrome. If you’re not aware of how common it is, you might go on continuing to believe that you’re faking it for the rest of your career. 

Impostor syndrome is the belief that you haven’t earned, or don’t deserve, your accomplishments, despite evidence to the contrary. It’s so common and widely experienced that calling it a syndrome might give people the wrong idea. 

It’s not a mental disorder but, rather, an experience or a psychological pattern. It seems to affect all demographics, irrespective of gender, race, age, or occupation, and it doesn’t seem to matter how objectively successful you are (in fact, it’s more common among higher status jobs). It’s not necessarily linked to low self-worth, either. Even Albert Einstein referred to himself as an “involuntary swindler”; believing his lifework didn’t deserve the accolades it received.

The Five Types of Impostor Syndrome:

The Perfectionist:

Anything short of perfection is seen as a failure. They always feel like something could’ve been done better (and that they’re uniquely failing at it).

Natural genius:

Feels that success should come naturally. Hard work and perseverance may be seen as negative traits or signs that they’re not actually competent and are imposters.  

Superman/woman:

Being competent equates to being able to juggle numerous roles and responsibilities at the same time. Failing even slightly at one role can cause them to view themselves as a failure, even when they’ve greatly succeeded in other areas. 

Expert:

Success equates to a large amount of knowledge and skill. They fear being exposed as an imposter due to a lack of knowledge in a given area.

Soloist:

Success achieved with assistance from anyone else is perceived as a personal failure and a sign that they are not really competent. 

What Causes It?

There seems to be a link between Impostor Syndrome and perfectionism. One theory is that people who are highly skilled tend to assume others are just as skilled. This belief can spiral out of control or become distorted over time when they experience a normal degree of failure while their peers don’t seem to be failing. 

Humans seem to share their strengths more readily than their weaknesses. This may be why Impostor Syndrome is becoming increasingly common in contemporary times, when we all share the best parts of our lives online and hide the worst parts. Everyone gains the impression that everyone else is competent. If everyone who experienced impostor thoughts (approximately 70% of the working population) posted them on social media, the thoughts might become normalised and people might appreciate how common they are. Maybe they would even question how accurate their own thoughts of fraudulence are when they learn that other people who seemed to be so competent are second-guessing themselves too. 

The term pluralistic ignorance means that everyone privately doubts themselves, but thinks they’re alone in doing so. Nobody’s sharing their self-doubt or failures, so it’s hard for us to know whether our own failures are normal. Workplaces often create cultures whereby it’s difficult to talk about failures. Nobody likes publicising their failures to their workmates, and it might be considered inappropriate to publicly attribute a failure to another individual. Consequently, failure gets swept under the rug and can seem rare. 

What Can I Do About It?

A problem shared is a problem halved

In some workplaces, there may be a high price to pay for sharing your failures. Keeping our failures secret reinforces our sense that failure is unique to us and deprives us of the opportunity to learn from such failure by constructively discussing it. If you have a workplace like this, discussing your failures—and especially your impostor thoughts—with friends who don’t work with you has been shown to reduce the symptoms of impostor syndrome. You’ll be helping yourself and them, if they feel the same.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn

Research into what distinguishes successful from unsuccessful individuals in any given occupation found that failure is a necessary part of success. The most successful individuals tended to fail just as often as others, but they learned from their failures and adjusted accordingly for their next attempt. Being afraid of failure may lead people to avoid attempting the required tasks for success or put insufficient effort into the task in order to protect their self-worth in case they fail (e.g. “I only failed because I didn’t try, not because I’m incapable”). Reframing failure as a necessary learning opportunity on the path to success helps people understand that failure is not a sign that they’re incapable or an impostor.  

Speak to a Clinical Psychologist

If you can’t seem to shake your impostor syndrome, there may be other issues underlying it. Psychological treatment can help you gain insight into the root of the problem and learn skills to overcome it. 

It’s tempting to believe that smart people don’t get depressed. After all, the smarter you are, the better you are at solving problems. Whatever is bringing you down, you can just fix it, right?

Humans are great at problem-solving, thanks in part to our relatively large prefrontal cortices (an area of the brain situated just behind your forehead). This area of the brain, along with other neural networks, is responsible for an important group of processes called the executive functions. These functions allow us to have self-control, direct our attention where it is needed, process information, and, importantly, problem-solve. Compared to other animals, human brains perform exceptionally well at these functions.

If we can problem-solve in the outside world, can we use these same skills to solve our internal problems? For example, if we can’t sleep at night because we’re stressed about work the next day, surely the answer is to use our big powerful prefrontal cortices to solve tomorrow’s problems and send ourselves into a peaceful state of sleep? Or, if we’re feeling sad and can’t get out of bed, should we try and use our intelligence to motivate us to get up? How do we solve that kind of problem?

To be clear, I’m not going to argue that you should never try and problem-solve psychological issues. In fact, it could be argued that the first-line psychological treatment for several mental health problems, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), requires a form of problem solving. However, often, human being aren’t great at problem solving their internal struggles (irrespective of their IQ). Intelligent people often attempt to problem-solve their psychological issues in much the same way as less intelligent people. Maybe they try and convince themselves of something positive that they don’t really believe, or maybe they second guess their behaviour or think of every time they have ever embarrassed themselves in the past. In casting all of their attention on a problem, the problem rarely leaves their mind and, instead of solving it, they can just increase the weight of the burden.

Creative People and Mental Illness:

There is a centuries old notion that, not only are intelligent people not protected from mental illness, but that they are, in fact, more likely to experience mental health problems. The stereotype of the crazy scientist or artist come to mind. Great literary minds like David Foster Wallace and Earnest Hemingway, comedians like Stephen Fry and Robin Williams, and artists like Vincent Van Gogh and Jackson Pollock all suffered from mental health problems. One of the greatest inventors of all time, Nikola Tesla, was obsessed with doing things that were divisible by three. He used 18 serviettes when he ate, walked around buildings three times before entering them, and only stayed in hotel rooms in which the room number was devisable by three.

In recent times, these ideas have been tested and, so far, the research indicates that intelligence appears to be associated with an increased risk of certain mental health problems. One study found that Bipolar Affective Disorder may be four times as common among young adults who had received straight-A’s in school. The effect was more common among students receiving high grades for humanities subjects and, to a lesser extent, in science subjects.

As a practicing clinical psychologist, I’ve seen countless times that, unfortunately, intelligence does not preclude people from mental health problems. In fact, often times, intelligent people are more attached to this idea of problem solving their internal struggles and can, therefore, require more intensive therapy. The more intelligent you are, the more you’ve seen first-hand that problem solving works. It got you A’s in school, it helped you get a job, it helped you assemble your Ikea chest of draws, it must be able to solve your anxiety.

I guess, in some sense, it could be argued that problem solving is what is needed to get your mental health back on track. However, it’s not the kind of problem solving we’re used to. If your mental health problem was a maths problem, the longer you spent trying to “solve” it, the more complex and unsolvable it would become. That’s because, in trying to solve these problems, you’re giving them your attention. Often, that’s all they need to thrive.

Additionally, some mental illnesses have a strong biological basis. In these cases, asserting that intelligence can protect you from mental illness might make about as much sense as asserting that intelligence can protect you from multiple sclerosis. Indeed, one study found that the neuronal calcium sensor-1 protein was associated with spatial memory and curiosity as well as the presence of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Therefore, there may be some shared biological cause of aspects of intelligence and certain mental illnesses.

It would appear that the impact of intelligence on mental illness depends on the type of intelligence and the type of mental illness. Two constructs not typically measured in traditional IQ tests seem to have a significant impact on mental health; one protective, the other associated with an increased risk of mental illness.

The first construct, creativity, is not usually included in IQ tests because it is difficult to measure objectively. Attempts have been made in the past (e.g., write down as many uses for a brick as you can in 30 seconds), however, they never seemed to have the same reliability or validity as tests of verbal comprehension, working memory, processing speed, and perceptual reasoning. The best we can do when studying the relationship between creativity and mental illness is look at people who are in creative professions and see if they are more likely to have a mental illness. That’s exactly what one study did: Of 300,000 people enrolled in the study, people in creative professions were more likely to meet criteria for a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder. There’s an assumption here that people in creative professions would generally have greater creative intelligence than those who are not. Nevertheless, the results of the study are interesting.

The second construct, emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ), is a measure of an individual’s ability to distinguish accurately between various emotions, to identify emotions in themselves and in others, and to use their knowledge of emotions to guide their thoughts and behaviours. High emotional intelligence has been found to be associated with less rumination (i.e., compulsively thinking about your problems) and fewer thoughts that are symptomatic of depression and anxiety. Therefore, it would appear that certain less conventionally recognised forms of intelligence are protective of mental illness. It’s unfortunate that these types of intelligence are not fostered in schools or even seen as particularly important in our dominant culture today.

In the film Training Day, Denzel Washington’s character—a senior police officer—informs his new recruit that, in this world, you can either be a wolf or a sheep, “and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf”.

One of the leading experts in the study of psychopathy, Robert Hare, described psychopaths as “intra-species predators”. The most wolf-like sheep. The predators who use charm, manipulation, or violence against other human beings to meet their own needs. They’re often skilled at justifying their behaviour to others: For example, the criminal justice system doesn’t work when police follow procedure at the expense of catching the criminals. A sheep can’t catch a wolf. You have to “get a little dirt on you for people to trust you”.

Another defining characteristic is that they are often charismatic. Their carefree lifestyle can sometimes seem appealing. They can be highly skilled at telling people what they want to hear and even making them feel good about themselves. They could even be the kind of person you meet at a party and want to see more often. Of course, if you scratch even slightly below the surface, you’ll see beneath the sheep’s clothing and get a peek at the wolf beneath.

Pyschopathy may well be the personality disorder that is most well known (infamous?) among the general population, and yet least understood. Firstly, let’s cover some common misunderstandings:

Common Misunderstandings about Psychopathy

1. Childhood bed-wetting is not a risk factor for becoming a psychopath
2. The term “sociopath” is generally considered to be outdated and is not used by contemporary forensic psychologists or other professionals in the field
3. Starting fires during childhood is not necessarily a risk factor for becoming a psychopath
4. Not all mass-murderers are psychopaths
5. The corporate world is not full of psychopaths

The Corporate Psychopath

Regarding that last point, it’s been proposed that this myth has probably been more pervasive in recent times as a result of an innate tendency in most of us to want to make sense of the unethical behaviour carried-out by some corporate workers preceding the global financial crisis. The popularity of this myth may also have something to do with the fact that the small number of psychopaths who can hold down corporate jobs are more likely to cause more than their fare share of destruction. Therefore, while they may be small in number, they may also be prolific in their impact.

So, why don’t we see more of them in high-powered corporate jobs? As you’ll see below, the “prototypical” psychopath experiences difficulty sticking to routine, resisting exciting stimulation, and often neglects commitments and responsibilities. These personality traits mean that psychopaths, in most cases, would not fare well within a corporate environment. Most jobs require you to have enough self-discipline to arrive consistently on-time, follow-through on promises, and meet expectations.

How Common Are Psychopaths in the Corporate World?

A recent study indicates that between 3% and 4% of corporate workers met criteria for a diagnosis of psychopathy. This is higher than the general accepted figure of 1% in the community, but still significantly lower than the figure of 13.8% – 26% (depending on where the research was conducted) we see among male offenders.

Help Me, My Boss is a Psychopath

So, what if you’re one of the unlucky ones? What if your co-worker or, worse, your boss is one of those 3% – 4%.

Firstly, this is something that is very difficult to determine. For a number of reasons—not least of which is the fact that people with these traits don’t often like to advertise them—even the best people in the field make mistakes, even under ideal circumstances, when diagnosing people with psychopathy.

The Psychopath in Us

Secondly, to some degree, many of the personality traits that constitute psychopathy show up in normal healthy people under certain circumstances. The famous Stanford prison experiment was conducted (along with a number of experiments around that time) in order to find answers to the question of why Nazi soldiers engaged in the kind of horrific behaviour common during World War II. Did only people without a sense of morality sign up for these roles? The experiment found similar results to other experiments in this area (see Milgram’s experiment): Normal people are capable of essentially ignoring their usual “moral compass” under certain circumstances (especially when instructed to do so by a person who appears to be of some authority).

Even under normal circumstances, people can demonstrate behaviour that, on the face of it, might seem to be an example of the below described personality traits of psychopathy. Have you ever felt “compassion fatigue” in relation to something (e.g., constant calls for charity) or someone for whom you knew you were “meant to” feel empathy? Have you ever bragged to somebody? Have you ever lied for personal gain? The difference is that these factors show up much less consistently and to a lesser degree in the general population. In other words, finding some examples of the below described behaviour is not evidence that somebody is a psychopath.

The Four Facets of Psychopathy

 

So, here’s what to look out for. Psychopaths generally exhibit a cluster of personality traits that fit under two main factors: Affective (meaning emotional traits) and Behavioural. There are two components, or facets, of the Affective factor: Interpersonal, which consists of traits related to their style of interaction with other people, and Affective, which consists of traits related to the different way that they experience emotions (or a lack there of) in comparison to non-psychopaths. The Behavioural factor also consists of two facets: the Lifestyle facet, which taps into impulsive behaviour and a tendency to neglect commitments, and the Antisocial facet, which taps into crime and behaviour generally considered unacceptable in the community.

 

The Two Factors and Four Facets of Psychopathy (Hare, 2005)

Affective (Factor 1)		Behavioural (Factor 2)
Interpersonal	Affective	Lifestyle	Antisocial
Smooth interpersonal style	Less impacted by emotional experiences	Neglects commitments and responsibilities	Antisocial behaviour, often distressing to others
Ability to manipulate others	Their actions contradict any claims to care about those close to them	Difficulty resisting exciting opportunities and stimulation	Not necessarily associated with criminal behaviour
Deception		Difficulty sticking to routines

 

What Can I Do?

In most cases, treatment doesn’t “fix” people diagnosed with psychopathy. Depending on the kind of treatment, it can actually make them better at being psychopaths. In group treatment, psychopaths see the way normal people demonstrate normal emotions and become better at imitating them. However, their behaviour can be improved with newer treatments that focus on the benefit to them associated with living a “pro-social” lifestyle. Short of this kind of treatment, the only real advice is to avoid such people at all costs.

Think back to your early life experiences for a moment. The earliest period of your life you can remember. Do you remember being extremely afraid of new people or events? One study found that about 20% of healthy children feel this way. It’s something that could be seen even when they were infants. If you were one of them, and then you also went on to experience certain detrimental life events before or during your teenage years (about a third of these children do), there’s a good chance you went on to develop serious social anxiety.

Children with these symptoms also tend to be perfectionistic, look for constant approval or reassurance from others, and worry about things in several areas of their life, such as friends, sports performance, and family issues.

Is anxiety normal?

Having said that, it’s important to be clear on something. Anxiety is normal. Everybody experiences it. Great athletes describe actually looking at anxiety as their body’s way of telling them they are ready to perform. One study found that the average person worries for a total of about one hour every day. So, if anxiety is normal and everyone experiences it, why is it so problematic for some people and not others?

One explanation is the different ways people view anxiety. Using the above example, the athlete has a healthy relationship with anxiety. They see it as a normal, and even helpful, part of life. Which brings me to the key message of this post:

Worrying about worrying

Worrying about your worry is a good way to turn it into clinical anxiety.

People with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (about one in seven people are diagnosed with this disorder right now) typically feel like their worrying is out of control. There’s often a sense that their anxiety is overwhelming and that they’re not able to manage it. Often, when normal worrying turns into clinical anxiety, people become fearful of their anxiety and want to “push it down” or fight with it. This is actually a reasonable reaction. When we have problems in the outside world, fighting against it is often an effective strategy. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work with mental health problems.

What’s the point of anxiety?

It’s important to remember that we evolved to feel anxiety for a reason. It serves as an effective response to a perceived threat or danger. This is why people who are prone to anxiety often tend to think that something terrible is going to happen in the near future (e.g., back pain might automatically be interpreted as a symptom of cancer). When human beings are in a situation in which something that threatens our survival (directly or indirectly) is at foot, anxiety motivates us to be aware of the threat and to take action if needed.

For example, when walking through an area of land where dangerous animals were known to live, our ancestors might have felt anxious. Anxiety allowed them to be alert, looking-out for threats, and ready to fight or run away at the first sign of a threat.

The problem is that, in the world we find ourselves today, the things we interpret as threats don’t often require immediate physical reactions like running or fighting. So we’re, instead, left with an excess of cortisol floating around our body with nothing to do. To protect your core body, blood flow to your arms and legs decreases and, to reserve energy for when it might be needed, your digestive system slows. This is why, when we experience anxiety, we often experience a tightness or queasiness in our stomachs or lack of appetite.

So, much of our contemporary anxiety is a normal reaction to abnormal situations that didn’t exist when we evolved to experience anxiety. If you feel anxious delivering a Powerpoint presentation at work, running away or fighting the audience is not going to help your situation. Whereas it may have helped if your anxiety was in relation to a more immediate threat to your survival, like a sabre-toothed tiger.

This too shall pass

When you recognise that any anxiety you’re feeling is a normal part of being human and will naturally pass on its own, you’ll still feel anxiety, but you won’t feel anxiety about anxiety. You won’t worry about your worrying. This is easier said than done, but, when you can have this relationship with your anxiety, it will remain manageable and not negatively interfere with your life.

 

 

 

Image by Rima Xaros

When you try to control your emotions

Try to remember the last time you felt an uncomfortable emotion. It could be anything, from mild embarrassment to severe depression. Try to remember what your first instincts were in response to how to deal with the emotion. For many people, their first instinct is to try and make it stop. You might try to control your emotions in this way. There is pressure in our culture to not show our emotions, for fear of appearing “weak” or perhaps even just impolite. We may even forget that everyone experiences them, and feel like there’s something “wrong” with us for feeling however we feel. So we tell ourselves to “stop”, which is about as effective as someone telling you to “calm down” when you’re angry.

Basically, it boils down to this: Trying to avoid your thoughts or emotions only calls your attention to them. The more you struggle to avoid or control them, the more you feed into them, and the stronger they become.

When people are struggling with their emotions, they often get told the wrong advice. It intuitively makes sense to want to control something that is bothering us. But the recent school of thought (known, among psychologists, as the third wave of Cognitive Behavioural Therapies) proposes that the answer is completely counter intuitive. Instead of trying to control your emotions, you should be accepting them.

The bad friend:

Think of your uncomfortable emotions as a bad friend who is really argumentative and craves your attention. This friend sometimes helps you problem-solve things or even gives you compliments, but, most of the time, they criticise you. Maybe they tell you you’re worthless, or that people don’t like you, or that the world is a horrible or dangerous place. You’re first instinct might be to tell them to leave you alone. But, they just see this as an opportunity to try harder to convince you of what they’re saying. So then, maybe, you argue with them, in the same way that you might try to control your emotions. This is what they want you to do. You tell them, ‘People do like me. Just the other day Jane from work invited me to have drinks with her and her friends for her birthday”. Then your friend takes this as an opportunity to think of every other possible reason Jane may have invited you. “She felt forced to invite you because everyone else in your team is going”. Or, “She probably just felt sorry for you.” The more you interact with this friend, the worse it gets. Even when you tell them to stop or you avoid them altogether, they just come at you harder. They want a reaction from you. All you can do is ignore them. And the only way to ignore them is to accept them for what they are. Yes, they’re annoying and negative, but they’re not necessarily right. They just like arguing with you. It’s easy to forget that your thoughts are just words in your head.

When you’re afraid of your demons, they have all the power over you. On the other hand, when you try to control them, you only feed them. When you bravely face them head-on, and realise that you don’t have to feed them, it becomes apparent that they can’t really hurt you. Your friend may be annoying, but they’re weak. You are always much stronger than them. No matter how overwhelming your emotions feel, or how critical your thoughts can be, they are always just a part of you. You are always bigger than them and when you face them without fear, you realise the limits of their power. Your friend doesn’t want you to realise that. They want you to keep arguing with them or pushing them away. They want your attention and your energy.

The solution:

The next time you feel an uncomfortable emotion, try this. Instead of telling it to stop, trying to control your emotions, or struggling with them in any way, just allow them to be however they are, and know that you will be ok. Know that emotions are normal and only become a problem when we struggle with them. Instead of trying to control your emotions, try accepting them in that moment, knowing that they will eventually pass. Then, without pushing them away, just focus on whatever else you need to be focusing on. Let the emotions just be in the background while you’re focusing on what’s important to you. You’ll find that the demon loses most of it’s power.

Image by Pavel Arsenyev and Fedorova Olga

I received a request recently to write a post on how to make an informed decision about when to leave your job. At first, I thought this question was outside the scope of a psychology blog. While it’s a question that commonly comes up in therapy, the answer depends on individual factors. On the surface, it would appear to be a question better directed to a recruiting agency or HR professional than a psychologist. But, the more I considered the question, the more I realised the field of psychology has something to offer in this area.

The Pressure to Perform

Most of us, today, find ourselves in a culture that values continuous career progression and success. And why not? We spend a significant proportion of our lives at work. For many of us, it is our only outlet to develop a sense of achievement. This is a primal need in human beings. If we don’t think that we’re achieving or contributing to society in some way, we can develop a low sense of self-worth, which can sometimes lead to problems with depression and anxiety.

A sense of achievement can provide our lives with meaning. Because so many of us see our career as our only avenue for achievement, for many people it’s a mark of their overall worth as a person. As such, it can lead us to make decisions that might otherwise seem irrational. For example, working such long hours that we rarely get any time to enjoy the fruits of our labour. For some people, this is necessary just to make ends meet. But, some of us can become consumed by it. The word “rat race” comes to mind here.

So, the message of this post is simply to ask yourself what you want. I know it seems simple, but it is often something we forget to do. What do you want out of your job, and what do you want more broadly in your life? What function does work serve for you? What function would you like it to serve?

What Do You Want from Your Job?

As simple as it may seem, answering these questions honestly requires a huge amount of personal insight. At first, the answers may seem simple. I can imagine people saying, “I want what everyone wants: A big pay check and a small workload”. But, when you actually compare the satisfaction of employees from various organisations, the factors that contribute most to employee satisfaction are rarely either of those two things. More often, increased satisfaction is associated with organisations that allow their employees to work in a supportive but independent environment, improve on their skill-set, and focus on non-monetary incentives, such as career progression.

 Working in an area in which we feel highly competent or capable of achieving success is also important. Unfortunately, not all of us are able to obtain jobs like this. The world’s best photographer is probably working in some office and failing to meet KPIs. Which brings me to the other important consideration:

What Do You Want, More Generally, from Life?

If it’s not possible for you to gain a sense of achievement and meaning from your employment, what else can you do to gain that sense of achievement? To use the above example, perhaps entering photography competitions, documenting travel experiences, or attending workshops would serve a similar purpose.

If you find that you are unsatisfied with your job, the answer may well be to find employment better suited to your needs. But, the answer may also be to find something to compliment your current job. Find something to fill the unfulfilled need.

Are you unsatisfied because you had always dreamt of being wealthy? Despite what we have all heard in countless “motivational” speeches, the answer is not always to try harder. The answer might be to try something else all together. What purpose would being wealthy serve for you? Which of your values is it consistent with? For some, it is a status symbol, a message to others of their worth. In this case, it may be worth exploring other means of developing your perceived worth to others. Or perhaps being wealthier would allow you to go on more extravagant holidays or own a faster car. Again, what value is this meeting? A need for excitement? A need to feel pampered? Are there any other ways in which you could meet these needs?

In short, when asking yourself whether to leave your job, ask yourself what is missing in your current role. Then, ask yourself whether what’s missing can be found in a new role, or whether you need to look for it in other areas of your life. Try to gain insight into all of your values, and try not to get overly focused on one at the exclusion of others.

P.S. Understanding your values, and living consistently with them, is useful for all areas of your life, not just employment. It may seem obvious, but it is often difficult for people to list any more than a small number of their values. Additionally, people often confuse values with goals. Knowing your values is instrumental to knowing yourself. Every decision you make in your life is ill informed if you are not fully aware of your values. 

The below link can help you gain a more comprehensive understanding of your values:

Click to access Values_Questionnaire.pdf

 

Image by Tom Ellefsen

While it may not seem like it when you’re looking at a hateful face screaming at you, anger is actually a functional and necessary emotion. It would not be so common if it were not so necessary. Anger motivates us to defend ourselves in the face of a threat. It is a necessary part of survival.

Now, I know a lot of people are going to read that last paragraph and think, “I knew it! There’s nothing wrong with getting angry with people. It’s unhealthy to hide your anger.” This is inaccurate. There seems to be a myth that, when you’re angry, you need to let it all out. However, research has found that feeling as though you should “let it all out” actually escalates aggressive behavior and does not help to resolve whatever is triggering the anger.

So what’s the answer then? If anger is inevitable and it’s unhealthy to “let it all out”, what do we do with it? Before I get to that, let’s have a look at the title question:

What Causes Some People to be Angry?

Some people find it more difficult than others to tolerate frustrating, annoying, or inconvenient circumstances. Most of us probably feel that we should not have to put up with circumstances like this. People who have a tendency toward feeling angry are just more sensitive to these types of frustrations or annoyances. It’s difficult for people with this type of sensitivity to be light-hearted when faced with these circumstances, or to just let things go. People prone to anger are often able to justify their anger easily. It is often rooted in something real. It’s not that these people are unlucky and happen to be the victims of more frustrating circumstances than people not prone to anger. It’s just that they find it more difficult to let these things go. A significant trigger can be when circumstances seem particularly unfair (e.g., someone failing to keep a promise or someone treating you with less respect than you treat them).

What causes people to be like this? Part of it is genetic. The research seems to indicate that that some children are born irritable or easily angered. They show angry temperaments from a young age and that anger tends to stay with them through adolescence and into adulthood. The other cause is people’s environment. Our culture has a tendency to view anger as a “bad” emotion. Expressing sadness or anxiety is ok, and we tend to feel sympathy toward people experiencing these types of emotions. Anger, on the other hand, is always seen as unacceptable. So, instead of learning how to deal with it, we just get told to “stop” it. In this way, many people struggle to deal with their anger and it can interfere with their lives and the lives of those close to them.

The Powerful Emotion

It’s not surprising that so many people use anger as their go-to emotion. Anger is a powerful emotion. Behaving aggressively can help us feel like we are more in control of a situation. We’re “taking charge” of the situation. Whereas, feelings of hurt or sadness can sometimes make us feel like a situation is out of our control. Also, when you’re angry with someone, the problem never appears to be you. When you’re angry, the problem more often than not seems to be something or someone other than yourself. Whereas, with hurt or sadness, we can often blame ourselves. Therefore, anger can be an appealing alternative for some people and has even been described as an addictive emotion.

When people repress, or push back, their anger and don’t allow themselves to communicate it in any form, it can lead to hypertension, stress, and even depression. Some research has even found a link between cancer and unexpressed anger. This may be where the myth that you need to “let loose” your anger came from. While it’s true that you do need to communicate your feelings, acting aggressively is not useful.

Three Ways of Expressing Your Anger

1. Passive. This is where you don’t express how you’re feeling at all. You allow others to act however they want toward you without doing anything to change it.

2. Aggressive. This is the other extreme. You talk over people, you’re critical of others, sarcastic, and you often yell or act in a way that may intimidate people.

3. Assertive. This is the “Goldilocks” zone. When you communicate assertively, you let other people know what you’re thinking without being disrespectful. You are firm and polite. Assertive communication is relaxed and open. You let people clearly know your needs and rights, without violating the needs and rights of others.

There’s also another style here. It is a combination of both extremes: Passive-Aggressive. You probably know someone with this kind of communication style. It usually comes from trying to repress your anger. Passive-Aggressive people tend to try and “get back” at people with whom they’re angry without telling them why. They don’t clearly communicate their anger, but they still want the other person to know about it, or to feel the way the other person made them feel.

As for what to do to help feel less angry, that will have to wait for another post. In the meantime, try being aware of your communication style when you’re feeling angry. Also, avoid using extreme black-and-white words (and even thoughts) such as “always” or “never” (e.g., “You always embarrass me” or “You never take my side”). Behaviour is rarely “always” or “never”. Using this type of language can make you feel like your anger is justified and like the problem cannot be resolved.

Image by Tarik Browne