Build a stronger relationship based on research, not guesswork

Every couple faces challenges. The difference between relationships that thrive and those that struggle isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s how partners connect, communicate, and repair when things go wrong. The Gottman Method, developed through decades of research on real couples, provides a roadmap for building relationships that last.

At Clarity Psychology, our Melbourne psychologists use the Gottman Method to help couples strengthen their friendship, navigate conflict constructively, and create a shared sense of meaning and purpose.

What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

The Gottman Method was developed by Drs John and Julie Gottman through over 40 years of research at the University of Washington. By studying thousands of couples—observing their interactions, measuring physiological responses, and following them over time—the Gottmans identified specific factors that predict relationship success or failure.

This research revealed that successful relationships share certain patterns: couples maintain strong friendship and fondness, they manage conflict constructively (not necessarily by agreeing, but by navigating disagreement with respect), they support each other’s dreams and create shared meaning.

The Gottman Method translates this research into practical interventions that help couples strengthen these areas.

The Sound Relationship House

The Gottmans describe a healthy relationship as a “Sound Relationship House” with seven levels:

1. Build Love Maps

Love maps are your mental knowledge of your partner’s inner world—their hopes, fears, stressors, joys, history, and dreams. Strong couples continually update their love maps, staying connected to who their partner is becoming.

2. Share Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration are the antidotes to contempt. Expressing appreciation, affection, and respect—even in small ways—maintains the positive sentiment override that helps couples weather difficulties.

3. Turn Towards Instead of Away

Throughout each day, partners make “bids” for connection—attempts to get attention, affection, or engagement. How you respond to these bids matters enormously. Turning towards (responding positively) builds the emotional bank account; turning away erodes it.

4. The Positive Perspective

When the first three levels are strong, couples develop a positive perspective—a tendency to give each other the benefit of the doubt and see the relationship positively.

5. Manage Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in relationships. The goal isn’t to eliminate it but to manage it constructively. This involves softening startup (how you raise issues), accepting influence from your partner, making effective repairs during conflict, and de-escalating when things get heated. The Gottmans distinguish between “solvable problems” (situational issues that can be resolved) and “perpetual problems” (fundamental differences that require ongoing dialogue rather than solution).

6. Make Life Dreams Come True

Supporting each other’s life dreams—even when they differ from your own—creates deeper connection and prevents resentment.

7. Create Shared Meaning

The top of the house involves building a sense of shared purpose, rituals of connection, and a shared narrative about your relationship’s meaning and legacy.

The Four Horsemen (and Their Antidotes)

The Gottman research identified four communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown—the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:

Criticism

Attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours. (“You never think about me” vs. “I felt hurt when you forgot our dinner plans.”)

Antidote: Use “I” statements and express needs positively.

Contempt

Expressing dis

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respect, mockery, or superiority through sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or hostile humor. Contempt is the most destructive horseman.

Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation. Express fondness and admiration regularly.

Defensiveness

Responding to complaints with counter-complaints, making excuses, or playing the victim. Defensiveness blocks repair.

Antidote: Take responsibility for even part of the problem. Validate your partner’s perspective.

Stonewalling

Withdrawing from interaction, shutting down, or disengaging. Stonewalling usually occurs when someone is physiologically flooded and overwhelmed.

Antidote: Learn to self-soothe. Take breaks when flooded, but return to the conversation.

Gottman therapy helps couples recognise these patterns and replace them with healthier alternatives.

How Does Gottman Method Therapy Work?

Assessment Phase

Treatment begins with thorough assessment. Each partner completes questionnaires about relationship history, satisfaction, and specific concerns. A joint session and individual sessions gather further information. This assessment identifies strengths, areas for growth, and specific intervention targets.

Feedback Session

Your therapist presents findings from the assessment, helping you understand your relationship patterns through the Gottman framework. Together, you develop treatment goals.

Therapeutic Interventions

Based on assessment, your therapist will use interventions targeting relevant areas of the Sound Relationship House. This might include love map exercises to deepen knowledge of each other, appreciation rituals to build fondness and admiration, “dreams within conflict” conversations for perpetual problems, communication skills training, flooding management techniques, and creating shared meaning through rituals and goals.

Sessions involve both learning concepts and practising skills in real conversations, with your therapist providing coaching and feedback.

What to Expect in Gottman Therapy

Conjoint Sessions

Most sessions involve both partners together. You’ll work on your relationship as a team, with your therapist guiding conversations and teaching skills.

Homework

You’ll practise skills between sessions—perhaps doing love map questions, expressing daily appreciation, or having structured conversations about ongoing issues.

Focus on Patterns, Not Blame

Gottman therapy examines relationship patterns without assigning fault. Both partners contribute to the system, and both have roles in creating change.

Duration

Length varies based on the couple’s needs and goals. Some couples benefit from focused work over 8-12 sessions; others prefer longer-term support.

When Does Gottman Therapy Help?

The Gottman Method is effective across relationship stages and concerns:

General Relationship Enhancement

Even healthy couples can strengthen their connection and develop skills for the future.

Communication Difficulties

When conversations consistently escalate, shut down, or go nowhere, Gottman therapy provides tools for more productive communication.

Recovering from Conflict

After betrayal, major conflict, or trust breaches, the Gottman Method provides structured approaches to healing and rebuilding.

Life Transitions

Becoming parents, career changes, retirement, health challenges—transitions stress relationships. Gottman therapy helps couples navigate change together.

Specific Issues

Differences in parenting, finances, intimacy, extended family—the Gottman Method provides frameworks for addressing specific perpetual problems.

Considering Separation

For couples uncertain about their relationship’s future, Gottman therapy can clarify the path forward—whether that’s recommitment or thoughtful separation.

The Evidence for Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is built on extensive research. Key findings include: longitudinal studies predicting divorce with over 90% accuracy based on observable interaction patterns, research identifying specific factors (like the Four Horsemen) that damage relationships and antidotes that help, effectiveness demonstrated in randomised controlled trials, and adaptations validated for diverse populations including same-sex couples and different cultural contexts.

This research foundation means Gottman interventions target factors known to matter for relationship success.

Is Gottman Therapy Right for Your Relationship?

Gottman Method Couples Therapy may be particularly helpful if you want evidence-based approaches rather than generic advice, if communication has become difficult or conflictual, if you’ve grown distant and want to reconnect, if specific issues keep recurring without resolution, if you want to strengthen a good relationship and prevent problems, or if you’re navigating a major transition or challenge together.

Gottman therapy works best when both partners are motivated to engage. Individual issues (such as active addiction or untreated mental illness) may need to be addressed alongside or before couples work.

Gottman Method at Clarity Psychology

Our psychologists at Clarity Psychology are trained in the Gottman Method and bring warmth, skill, and genuine investment in your relationship’s success. We provide a safe space where both partners can be heard and where you can develop the skills to build the relationship you want.

Whether you’re facing challenges or want to strengthen what you already have, we’re here to help you create a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

Ready to strengthen your relationship?

Book an appointment and discover how research-based couples therapy can help you build a stronger connection.

Related Treatments: Interpersonal Therapy, Gottman Method Therapy